It took me three weeks to write this freakin post. I revised it three times. Changed my angle. Started over. It still sucked.
Then I got a mother’s day card from my mom:
And I figured out what I really wanted to say.
Maybe it’s the stage I’m in as a parent (with two nuggets under the age of 5). Or maybe it’s the fact that I also run a company in a very demanding industry. But mostly, I think that being a mom is just hard.
I’ll be honest. Some days I really don’t like being a mom. But some days I don’t like being an entrepreneur either. Both require constant attention and carry a great deal of responsibility and work that some days just feels like this huge load that I’m going to become crushed under. Squashed like a little grape.
There are a lot of days where it’s all I can do to keep my head above water. “Balancing” both work and kids and marriage and life. These days I just want a lounge chair. In the sun. By a pool. And a cocktail. All by myself.
When I stop comparing myself to what I think a mom should be, I start to gain some clarity about what I know to be true for me:
I love the shit out of my kids. I love that I have two (and only two). And I love that I have a boy and a girl. My heart melts when I watch Ryan and Easton play together. I love how wonderful Ryan is to her little brother and how amazingly cute Easton is (even though he is a pain in my ass).
I have an amazing husband who is so incredibly supportive, understanding, and helpful. He’s a trooper because he takes a back seat to the kids, and the business, and the alone time Mack wishes she had. And that’s why I married him. Because he loves me and he’s in no matter what.
I love Mack Web. I love what we do. I love our team. I love that we’re funny. I love that we are having success. And this is the stuff I have to remember when I don’t want to work on another stinking process for our company.
It’s not that I don’t love being a mom, I just don’t love it 100% of the time. But for all those days that I want to go mental, there actually are moments that are precious (like when Ryan is crunching her potato chips in her tiny little mouth, or when Easton lays his soft cheek on my shoulder). I just have to remind myself to hang on to those moments for dear life because right now they tend to be few and far between.
I find myself choked up thinking about how big Ry and E are and how it’s all going by so fast (even though I wish away so many moments).
Some day soon I won’t have any diapers to change or butts to wipe and I will be sad thinking about when they were babies. But I’m taking it in. Appreciating and finding the joy in as many moments as possible. Taking it one day at a time. And longing for my lounge chair and cocktail.